Wowie zowie, what a bad television show. We are sorry that we keep doing this to you. Bachelor, please. Bachelor, we are begging you. Come home, Bachelor.
We're between seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette, which is terrible, because it has led us to this: A series of episodes in which we explore shows that are not The Bachelor and Bachelorette. We're starting things off with Flavor of Love, which is an absolute dumpster fire.
The finale is here. A shocking twist. Startling revelations. Unbelievable emotions. Lives are changed. Lives are ruined. Anatomy is blurred. Two women enter. One woman leaves. All are axed.
We discuss the unconventional Women Tell All special, during which accusations are hurled at Ben, the contestants and also a real life barnyard animal. We also have some programming notes, by which we mean about the future of Rose Buddies, but also about the literal cybernetic programming of CAILA-001.
This episode gets wet and wild, everybody. Just a heads up, here, before we get started. Adult themes are discussed, becuase it's Fantasy Suites week, which is another way of saying that it's the Doin' It Episode. Seriously, very ribald stuff, ahoy.
It's hometowns week, which means it's time for our semi-annual celebration of a dude telling four families the exact same stuff about their real-life children. But there's more important stuff happening here, in the real world -- namely, the vicious betrayal of a trusted, vitamin-filled friend.
This week's Bachelor was a fairly tame lead-up to the absolute FIRE that is Hometowns, but there were still plenty of noteworthy occurrences. Like that time that Ben piloted a boat into a crowd of women, or when Ben made a woman eat a french fry out of his mouth like a mama bird.
After last week's totally thrilling cliffhanger, Griffin and Rachel return to discuss the brutal efficiency of Ben Higgins: The Axeman. Four women got the boot this week, and we're all like, yo Benny, where's the fire, man? Take your time. Live the moment. Feed the swimming pigs.
Rachel and Griffin discuss the events of a pretty big snoozer of an episode, including the heartbreaking dismissal of a flawless contestant. There's also a live Superwater Zero taste test, which, buddy, that's just good radio.
Griffin and Rachel discuss the hidden talents of each contestant as revealed in Week 4: CAILA-001's aggro-sensuality, Lauren H.'s unique kiss texturing, JoJo's ability to track and kill a wild white rhino on the Las Vegas strip and, of course, Olivia's ability to fit four to six Nintendo 64 cartridges inside her head.
Rachel and Griffin explore the racial overtones of one of the most bonkers episodes of this show they've ever seen. Ben utters four words that absolutely set Griffin's brain on fire.
Rachel and Griffin dive into Ben's sophomore performance, and do their very best to discredit Dr. Love, who is a psychopath. Also: The origins of CA.ILA-001, a bio-organism that will consume us all.
Rachel and Griffin McElroy kick off their bold experiment in service journalism: A podcast in which they talk about The Bachelor family of products. In this, the pilot episode of Rose Buddies, they discuss the format for the show, their personal histories with it and the promising contestants in this season's haul.